quality

My best conversations happen after the clock strikes 12. There is something about being in the dark that brings out vulnerabilities, insecurities and thoughts that in the daylight are too "dangerous". My mind devotes this time to dreaming, even before my sleeping dreams occur. What do I want to do with my life? Who will remain consistently by my side? Will I get the cottage I've always dreamed of? Will I find a partner that will support me through my dreams? Will I have a girl will long blonde hair that calls me mom? Will I make it to my destinations?


Lately I've when these thoughts start bubbling around in the evening, I've had my boyfriend by my side. I look at him in the dark and sometimes our eyes meet. We don't have to say anything but I know he'll always be there for me. My night time questions now somewhat revolve around him. Will  he find a place in my life? If his place is temporary can I deal with him not being around?


Right now my answer is absolutely not. I can't even grasp what we have in my hands yet because its so big yet so fragile, I'm afraid to hold to too close. Last night, he brought up that most of his relationships have been short, 4-5 months, and he expressed that he gets fidgety after those months.My mind went straight to heartbreak. "Great, I found someone who has our relationship tipped over, on an hour class, my time is running out." 


Internal freak out.


The silence in the dark is good too. While he immediately choked on his words and apologized for not formulating them in a way that "sounded right" or made sense, I thought about him. I thought of the past year of being his friend, and the last few months of our budding romance and selfishly I wanted to hold him forever. I wasn't ready to think about our potential last 3-4 months together because is green/grey/blue eyes are my comfort and his arms around me at night make me feel safe. And above it all is this notion that what we have is real and true, and would his anticipation in the months ahead disregard what we have for one another?


My drive home this morning, I thought of quality v. quantity. I would rather be loved undeniably for a short time then spent an long amount of time with someone who doesn't feel anything towards me. I think of these words.

From Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27, 1850:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

If these months ahead bring us joy or sorrow, I will cherish it. Wearing your heart on your sleeve means taking a huge chance and I am aware of the consequences. I'm willing to risk the pain for the chance to have just have him in my life for one more day. The relationship we have created brings forth a quality in which I have never felt before. We genuinely care for each other.  Initially, him telling me that his relationships are short lived and long term relationships freak him out, made me hurt it. However thinking more about it, he was just being honest, even if he didn't get the words out the way he wanted them too, he was sharing what he was thinking about. As a friend or a lover, what other trait is more important than honesty?

While the future is blurred for now I'll keep what I know far away from the fear of loosing him.
I know he makes me smile.
I know he says what he means and means what he says.
I know he's scared too.
I know what his smile looks like when he is really happy.
I know that familiar tune he hums.
I know that in this moment, I'd be willing to do anything to make him happy.
I know he would do anything to make me happy. Both of which mostly consist of playing guitar, dates at bookstores and coffee.
I know he is the one for me.
Right now, he is the one I couldn't afford to loose in my life.
While nothing is promised forever, in this moment, he is my partner, and what I will learn from him will stay apart of me for the rest of my life.