I'm just going to start somewhere that may be unfamiliar to anyone(if anyone reads this) but I'm just going to keep on going. I think it will all make sense.
Do you know those girls who prefer to hang out with guys because "girls don't get them"? My response when I hear that from girls is kind of defensive, because I am a girl and I'd like to think that I'd try to understand everyone, regardless of gender. When girls say that I am often led astray thinking they wouldn't like me if I tried because clearly, they prefer to hang out with guys and don't want to get to know me.
I feel like that girl. That bothers me.
While my excuses don't write off a particular group of people, I feel like I've been putting myself a in bubble, allowing myself to essentially lead a life of solitude. From 9am-5pm, I am a people person. My work revolves around people, I love meeting people, and it 's never been something that didn't come naturally. One thing that works against me is my conscience and intuition. There have been instances when being around people, they send me a bad vibe. Bad vibes consist of feeling alternative motives in the relationship, life choices that may put me in dangerous situations or negativity about life in general. (This is the point where I really want to put peoples names in this blog, but on the off chance that the wrong person finds this, I cant. Names would just help future me understand the process in which I've come.) Anyways. My 9am-5pm people don't generally give me that feeling. It's the people I choose to connect with after working hours that I often have questioning remarks in my head, leading more toward "Why the hell do I associate myself with these people".
I can't help but feel like I will never find the kind of relationships I think I provide for others.
Dependable. Thoughtful. Genuine.
I've learned to lower my expectations "just people I treat people in such a way doesn't mean I should expect them to treat me the same". I'm getting to a point now where this one liner is complete BS to me. Hell yes, I deserve relationships of mutual understanding and respect. It doesn't have to be something that's talked about. Could you imagine?
"So I'd like to talk to you out to coffee to see where our friendship is going and the expectations we both have"
Life isn't like that. I firmly believe EVERYONE is constantly changing and because of that, this hypothetical conversation would take place every minute of every day, which is unrealistic. What I am coming to realize is that people are worthy of the friendships they think they deserve.
I am fortunate to have fallen in love with a man who embodies what I think is important in a relationship. And maybe partically because of this, I have come to realize that I don't hold my girl friends to the same standard.
It is FUCKED UP that every time we hang out you for warn me that you want to get shit faced when that is the only time we have together.
It is FUCKED UP that you only call me when you need a ride, are bored or because your dog misses me because it makes me feel like my presence to you is only an assistance.
It is FUCKED UP that your definition of having a good time is primping for god knows how long to see if guys find you attractive, when we are fucking independent women who can do whatever the hell we want--for ourselves.
And I just do. I go. I live. Merely as a wall flower in my friends lives. My presence, an accommodation, a jump in status, power in numbers, just another girl.
Over the last year especially this has been driving me crazy, because I know there are friends out there, that maybe I haven't met yet that would mirror all the things I find important in my life to what they find important in theirs.
I'd like to make that a goal in the next chapter of my life. I don't want to become that girl who "only hangs our with guys cause girls don't get me". I want to be a friend to all, and with that comes with gravitating myself towards people who understand that you get what you give and give what they get.
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