give what you get and if you don't get it, f 'em

I'm just going to start somewhere that may be unfamiliar to anyone(if anyone reads this) but I'm just going to keep on going. I think it will all make sense.
Do you know those girls who prefer to hang out with guys because "girls don't get them"? My response when I hear that from girls is kind of defensive, because I am a girl and I'd like to think that I'd try to understand everyone, regardless of gender. When girls say that I am often led astray thinking they wouldn't like me if I tried because clearly, they prefer to hang out with guys and don't want to get to know me.
I feel like that girl. That bothers me.
While my excuses don't write off a particular group of people, I feel like I've been putting myself a in bubble, allowing myself to essentially lead a life of solitude. From 9am-5pm, I am a people person. My work revolves around people, I love meeting people, and it 's never been something that didn't come naturally. One thing that works against me is my conscience and intuition. There have been instances when being around people, they send me a bad vibe. Bad vibes consist of feeling alternative motives in the relationship, life choices that may put me in dangerous situations or negativity about life in general. (This is the point where I really want to put peoples names in this blog, but on the off chance that the wrong person finds this, I cant. Names would just help future me understand the process in which I've come.) Anyways. My 9am-5pm people don't generally give me that feeling. It's the people I choose to connect with after working hours that I often have questioning remarks in my head, leading more toward "Why the hell do I associate myself with these people".
I can't help but feel like I will never find the kind of relationships I think I provide for others.
Dependable. Thoughtful. Genuine.
I've learned to lower my expectations "just people I treat people in such a way doesn't mean I should expect them to treat me the same". I'm getting to a point now where this one liner is complete BS to me. Hell yes, I deserve relationships of mutual understanding and respect. It doesn't have to be something that's talked about. Could you imagine?
"So I'd like to talk to you out to coffee to see where our friendship is going and the expectations we both have"
Life isn't like that. I firmly believe EVERYONE is constantly changing and because of that, this hypothetical conversation would take place every minute of every day, which is unrealistic. What I am coming to realize is that people are worthy of the friendships they think they deserve.
I am fortunate to have fallen in love with a man who embodies what I think is important in a relationship. And maybe partically because of this, I have come to realize that I don't hold my girl friends to the same standard.
It is FUCKED UP that every time we hang out you for warn me that you want to get shit faced when that is the only time we have together.
It is FUCKED UP that you only call me when you need a ride, are bored or because your dog misses me because it makes me feel like my presence to you is only an assistance.
It is FUCKED UP that your definition of having a good time is primping for god knows how long to see if guys find you attractive, when we are fucking independent women who can do whatever the hell we want--for ourselves.
And I just do. I go. I live. Merely as a wall flower in my friends lives. My presence, an accommodation, a jump in status, power in numbers, just another girl.
Over the last year especially this has been driving me crazy, because I know there are friends out there, that maybe I haven't met yet that would mirror all the things I find important in my life to what they find important in theirs.
I'd like to make that a goal in the next chapter of my life. I don't want to become that girl who "only hangs our with guys cause girls don't get me". I want to be a friend to all, and with that comes with gravitating myself towards people who understand that you get what you give and give what they get.

Poopsie-Doo I Forgot About My Blog

Well poo. I have a lot of catching up to do.
In two weeks I will be cap n' gowning through red square.
I will be a graduate of Western Washington University.
Hooray.
I don't really know what kind of feels to be feeling. There is the "its about damn time" side of me and the "must be perfect for all the lasts" side of me. In other words, I wish sometimes I could just let it go and other times I want to hold on to every moment.

Sometimes I take bus photoshoots with my sister.
This might take me a while to get back in the swing of things.
With graduation around the corner, I'm hoping to start blogging more often, so I can document my life as a GRADUATE aka doing real people things and stuff.


I'll brb, ASAP

P.S. I caught the bro's next door having sexytime on their roof. Its been 3 days and I still feel scarred. Only in college right?

senior

a full week now i have been a senior in college. the campus is filled with unfamilliar faces of freshmen, memories and more adventures to come. i'd be lying if i said i was cool with all this senior business. it freaks me out. being a senior in high school i was eager to leave a place i didnt fit in to the new land of bellingham. now i find myself having to come to terms with leaving bellingham at the end of this year and behind me the daily friendships i have formed over 4 years.

the whole nature of college is really unique and i am so fortunate to have had the experience i do going to a university. when else during your life will you be placed in a place tentatively among peers, eager and ambitious to learn!? very few opportunities from now on will present themselves where i will be in such a community.

inside that community i am one person. i walk by hundreds of people a day all on their own journey in life and i start to second guess my own intentions. am i who i want to be or how i want people to see me? should others opinions even matter with 9 months left?

in 9 months i still want to be:
- engaged in the community
-creating my own identity as a human services professional
-surrounded my people who take, give, love, advise, support and make me laugh
-letting go of grudges and people who bring out my insecurities and if my weakness' present themselves, i deal with them and grace and maturity not jealous and self-righteousness.
-with a partner who pushes me to live my dreams
-traveling
-still playing my guitar
-reading more
-working in an art studio
-dressing more like me

i just got overwhelmed writing this. i cant put into words my excitement and nervousness and the secrets i keep to myself. to be continued.

something i can call mine

a little bit frustrated and my carpool for work should be here any minute, naturally a really big thought would cross my mind.

i need something to call mine.

my own. a voyage. an idea. 

without anyone leading me to it or no one else going there after me. 

i wouldn't want it to be a secret but by all things my second grade copy cat friend taught me, no matter what you tell or dont tell people find out.

its human nature and the biggest compliment to grab pieces of your friends out of love and comfort. 

i'll tell you from the top of my head

out of my friends,

i steal ang's ablility to be headstrong and forward

i steal kaylas way of nuturing and caring for others

and because i want this list to stay small ( i gotta keep some of my sources hidden (; )

i steal my moms way of approaching life, straying away from "poor me feelings" and "embracing if you can't change the situation change your attitude"

taking pieces of peoples identity inevitable for humans. we are "monkey see mokey do-ers" and whether we like to admit it or realize it, other people form who we are as individuals.

so where does individuality begin?

no one will live the life i live.

no one meet the people i have met in life in the order i have met them and under what circumstance we met.

individuality is built to be sacred yet secured to allow you to create yourself by embracing what others show and teach you.

no one can take that away from you.

while i long for something to call mine, i must give credit when credit is due.

someone got me here, someone gave me the nudge, whisper or support to get me where i am.

a solo traveler gets lonely at the top.

it is through community where we since our belonging. 

my thoughts on fire

in high school my quote for myself (c'mon, we all had them) was "the heart may freeze or it can burn", from "another day", a song in the musical "rent".

i came to the mentality that my passion would be approached head on, burning so everyone could see; because if i did nothing with it, surely, i would freeze into nothing. i loved with intention and because of that my choices had purpose, guiding me to my next goal or thought, and i'd strive to reach my dreams.

i was an ambitious little one in high school. i lacked to connect with my class as a whole, which made me an outsider. not in a nerdy or weirdo way was i an outsider, in fact i was friends with everyone. i just knew something was missing and i didn't rely on my high school experience to give it to me. my fire burned for me because i knew eventually, i would get to a place where it needed to me. until then i occupied myself with whatever activity i could, met lots of unique people, got to know my community and took advantage of experiences i knew i wouldn't be able to have again.

i fear fire. i am now at that place where i have found a sense of belonging. my relationships are long and lasting. my work is thoughtful and passionate. why am i doubting my fire?

breaking it down as much as a i can; i think of the best days at the beach watching the bonfire burn.

it starts with foundation, logs, kindling, paper.

light a match and watch it burn.

colors of yellow, orange, red and blue shine from the flames.

the more logs, the higher it burns, 

we let the fire burn until it dims low and add more fuel to the fire to it until we see the beautiful colors again.

you could let a fire burn forever but realistically, the flames dimmer into little sparks into the dark of night.

the mysterious fire is gone.

let behind is soot. the foundation is burnt to its core. 

we cover whats left with sand and water and let the fire die.

metaphor time.

i'm scared. freaking scared of loosing my fire, my passion. 

i've build a comfortable foundation or dreams, people and places that have kept me comfortable.

come june, what will i be? where will you be?

i burn bright for creativity.

i burn bright for spontaneity. 

i burn bright for laughter.

you remind me to stay in the moment. using my own words against me when i stray away from my motto.

i can't help to think about all of these remarkable moments leading to ash and dust.

now my new song motto from the Boss himself:  "you can't start a fire without a spark"

nothing big happens without a moment of realization, a small idea, that essentially you can't take your mind off of.

i can't get my mind off of you.

(of course you would call after i type that)

without sounding completely naive, my heart needs the spark of another to make something happen.

consistently, you are that person.

with that you carry the potential to set my heart on fire or watch it burn to nothing. 

what shape will my heart be in when we leave this town?

i long and despise to know that answer.

fearlessly, now i must carry on with an abundance of fire, letting it burn bright.

for even if it were to leave, i imagine there would still be a spark.

when you meet the eyes of a stranger

when it happened:  mid day. thursday afternoon. casual friend date.

but first, the back story:
awhile back i was in a friendship with an older man. he thought i was so cool and him thinking i was so cool made me think he was so cool. drummer, teacher, hipster. sounds like a dream come true. the age thing wasn't a big deal until it was a big deal. ultimately, our friendship ended on our sour note. he said he had another in the same breath he told me i was beautiful and wonderful. i got confused and really hurt.
that moment began the hatred of "she who shall not be named", mostly because i didn't know her name or anything about her. all i knew was that she was better than me.
my age showed in my immaturity about "her". the moment facebook alerted me that they were dating, i first grumbeled then went straight to her page. what does she look like? what makes her better than me?
all i could tell was that she had the same blue eyes and blonde hair that i did.
she took mischievous  pictures of herself behind artwork and plants, which never helped me decipher what she really looks like and kind of makes her sound freakin' weird. after that all i really knew was a name, which didn't help my grieving or creeping process.
let that one go.

32 year old (yes, 32 year old) teacher hipster, musician was far from my mind. essentially, i am  relieved that i didn't get into that mess. never saw him again.

flash forward to today:
i had my first day of work! we'll actually i was at my internship before then went to work. the sun was so beautiful today. i walked to work and walked around downtown after work with Paige, who long story short has a lot more in common with me than i thought. anyways, parched and up for catching up, we ventured into avenue bread. drooled over some pastries then upon deciding to purchase a treat each with our hibiscus lemonade.

then i met eyes with the mystery.
in front of me, his new girl.
taking my order?
my order use to be the dream of having her current boyfriend.
i wondered if he'd even mention me.
i handed her my credit card and wondered if she'd recognize my name.
she was taller. friendly, like most food service employees.
i wrote my name visable. one more chance to see if she'd realize who i was.
i so badly wanted to make awkward eye contact.
i was the other girl.
she was the other girl.
one of us had to get hurt.
i thanked her for my treat and looked at her one more time.
blonde blue and young.
ordinary.

i walked away, sat down, and couldn't wait to tell Paige the story.
but what story was there to tell?
i left no tip.

my favorite sonnet of all time

i find myself getting these words stuck in my head more often than "moves like jagger" or "call me maybe". maybe it is because these words i have ingrained in my brain because of my sophomore high school drama class. little lines pop into my head when i need them. 

SONNET 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
   If this be error and upon me proved,
   I never writ, nor no man ever loved. 




so many ideas in this short sonnet( yes, it was the shortest one to choose from in my drama class, thus i dibbsed it QUICK.). i don't want this blog to be purely about love but i do want to recognize my thoughts as they come and make note of concepts that reappear. 
to me this sonnet not only reminds us of the intentions of love, but  allows us to question which parts of loving another we choose to embrace.


love doesn't leave when there are changes in relationships nor does it leave when you change your passions. it remains. you take risks not knowing consequences or potential destinations because love can conquer all. this sonnet reminds us of wedding vows "'until death do us part", but suggests marriage does not acknowledge a true love.


what i often repeat in my head is the last two lines. "if this be error and upon me proved, i never writ nor no man ever loved". this merely suggests " well shoot, if what i'm writing is wrong, why do poets and writers  continually write of love. it is impossible to say love doesn't exist."


love exists.