nostalgia

I've never wanted my definition as a person to be associated with another person. i'm proud and lucky to have wonderful people in my life, but I value self worth and with that being said, I like the quirks that make me up as a person. 

Like a lot of girls, and boys too, I've spent a lot of my life associated with different groups, clubs, activities, and beliefs that defined me for me. While these definitions for the most part rang true to my character, some were formed by assumption. "She's a cheerleader so she must be popular" or "She drives a nice car so she must come from money". Most the time, the assumptions that I heard about myself, I let people believe because, heck if people wanted to assume I was better off than I was, let them believe it.  Especially in High School, I never corrected people when their judgments about me we're off. If you thought I was in any way privileged over you, you best believe, I wasn't going to correct you and tell you the truth

And still when I see my high school friends, I'm tempted to tell them that I'm the same that I've always been, you know, whatever you want me to be. For some I let them think what they want still but others I can't lie anymore. 

Over winter break this year, the majority of my high school friends had turned 21 so it was almost mandatory that we get together at out local small town pub for a few drinks. I dreaded it. I was finally allowing myself to embrace my flaws and to show new found self to my old high school friends, would be impossible. Would they be let down at the real Molly? Would I not have anything in common with them anymore? And then there was Tessa. My best friend from 4th grade to ? really because for some reason in high school, she just stopped being my friend. That saddened me then and still confuses me that our friendship just disappeared. She had actually told me about the whole high school get together to begin with. I had not idea what this meant and it made me both apprehensive and excited about going. 

Long story short, I went.

And this group....

Became this group...

....real fast. Not for a moment did I take the role of my high school self. I listened as I heard of them speak of their dreams in college, their boyfriends, their family, and I transformed all my bias' and grudges against these girls for the last 3 years into a new found friendship. I mean we were friends... we were old friends. We lost our way from each other on the path to finding ourselves, but essentially, we will be there for each others. Estranged friends yes, but friends none the less. The fact that I held so strongly to my friendship with Tessa especially helped me finally tell her how much she always meant to me and I don't know that happened in high school, but I still think about her and wish I could changed whatever it was that happened. 

 She assured me that it was never me that strayed her away, but she was on her own path--focused on her dream of becoming a doctor and getting into the most prestigious school in the state. Sometimes we don't realize that we have to walk alone. As much as it would be nice to have company, we walk alone to find our strength, our passions, our purpose.
I now meet up with Tessa whenever I go home. While it may just be surface conversation, its conversation none the less. Time heals all wounds. Three years out of high school and with a little liquid courage on both our parts, we became friends again, real friends.

The funny part was, the whole time I thought I had changed so much that my high school friends would be shocked and unappreciative of the "new me", I hadn't taken into consideration is that we all changed. Heck, we were 21 and drinking with our high school vice principal and our teachers. I mean sure, the "jocks" still rough housed with each other and the leadership kids were still rallying people(to take shots) and the cheerleaders sat int he back and rolled their eyes at us for having fun--i guess some things wouldn't change .However, we all changed enough where we could appreciate the new adult side of us, yet still resonate with the part of us from our childhood remained that was so familiar and comforting.

I spent high school feeling like an outsider, only to realize after high school we were all outsiders. We were all weirdo's trying to fit in. The assumptions I felt toward me, everyone felt. High school made me feel like a self centered weirdo but really we were all weirdos who were so self centered we didn't even realize at the time we were all the same.

I'm really glad I went that night. I'll never forget the feeling of dancing in the bank parking lot to old songs, hiding in bathrooms and giggling at people, and  making the drunk McDonald's trip we never made in high school because we were to "goody goody" to get drunk. While those are the moments that stick out in my mind, I also gained the reassurance that people stay in your life. I use to think that people in high school were just a phase in my life. I remember thinking "I'll meet my REAL friends in college", I was completely wrong. While I don't call them everyday or vent to them about problems, the girls in my 2009 class aren't girls to just forget. We remember our memories together, we remember the good times and bad, we remember each others birthday's, our parents home phone line numbers, we remember each others first kisses', we remember the pain of loosing friends, we remember the crazy teachers we've had, we remember the football games we won and the ones we didn't, we remember signing the alma matter together win or loose, we remember map tag, buddies, and 2 square. We remember our past together. We all helped contribute to who we are now and that's something you just can't forget.

the beginning.

a brand new start:

I want to start writing but I think before I get deep, mushy and crazy I need to introduce myself.
My name is Molly. I have lots of thoughts. While I talk to my friends, speaking can only go so far. I want something that is left behind after I speak. Words can be read over and over. Partly why I have started this blog is to remember my words, my thoughts and the moments that leave so quickly. I have no idea what will become of this, I mostly just want to read this and remind myself of the realness of my life and maybe if you're reading this, you will see the realness in yours. I won't make sense all the time, but I promise my words have meaning. Hidden, maybe. From you and from me.

Not everything I write will be pretty but I promise it will be real. I've created this blog without censors, it is my goal to tell it how it is. Its my goal not to sugar coat my words or make it seem like I am the protagonist in the stories I tell. My stories will be from my lens. A lens that is often not looked though enough. Most of my life I've spent trying to see situations from other peoples stances. The minds of others intrigue me. However, in this blog, my blog, my lens will be apparent. I will not take for granted the safe place I have found and my story will be told.

Let it begin...