my thoughts on fire

in high school my quote for myself (c'mon, we all had them) was "the heart may freeze or it can burn", from "another day", a song in the musical "rent".

i came to the mentality that my passion would be approached head on, burning so everyone could see; because if i did nothing with it, surely, i would freeze into nothing. i loved with intention and because of that my choices had purpose, guiding me to my next goal or thought, and i'd strive to reach my dreams.

i was an ambitious little one in high school. i lacked to connect with my class as a whole, which made me an outsider. not in a nerdy or weirdo way was i an outsider, in fact i was friends with everyone. i just knew something was missing and i didn't rely on my high school experience to give it to me. my fire burned for me because i knew eventually, i would get to a place where it needed to me. until then i occupied myself with whatever activity i could, met lots of unique people, got to know my community and took advantage of experiences i knew i wouldn't be able to have again.

i fear fire. i am now at that place where i have found a sense of belonging. my relationships are long and lasting. my work is thoughtful and passionate. why am i doubting my fire?

breaking it down as much as a i can; i think of the best days at the beach watching the bonfire burn.

it starts with foundation, logs, kindling, paper.

light a match and watch it burn.

colors of yellow, orange, red and blue shine from the flames.

the more logs, the higher it burns, 

we let the fire burn until it dims low and add more fuel to the fire to it until we see the beautiful colors again.

you could let a fire burn forever but realistically, the flames dimmer into little sparks into the dark of night.

the mysterious fire is gone.

let behind is soot. the foundation is burnt to its core. 

we cover whats left with sand and water and let the fire die.

metaphor time.

i'm scared. freaking scared of loosing my fire, my passion. 

i've build a comfortable foundation or dreams, people and places that have kept me comfortable.

come june, what will i be? where will you be?

i burn bright for creativity.

i burn bright for spontaneity. 

i burn bright for laughter.

you remind me to stay in the moment. using my own words against me when i stray away from my motto.

i can't help to think about all of these remarkable moments leading to ash and dust.

now my new song motto from the Boss himself:  "you can't start a fire without a spark"

nothing big happens without a moment of realization, a small idea, that essentially you can't take your mind off of.

i can't get my mind off of you.

(of course you would call after i type that)

without sounding completely naive, my heart needs the spark of another to make something happen.

consistently, you are that person.

with that you carry the potential to set my heart on fire or watch it burn to nothing. 

what shape will my heart be in when we leave this town?

i long and despise to know that answer.

fearlessly, now i must carry on with an abundance of fire, letting it burn bright.

for even if it were to leave, i imagine there would still be a spark.

when you meet the eyes of a stranger

when it happened:  mid day. thursday afternoon. casual friend date.

but first, the back story:
awhile back i was in a friendship with an older man. he thought i was so cool and him thinking i was so cool made me think he was so cool. drummer, teacher, hipster. sounds like a dream come true. the age thing wasn't a big deal until it was a big deal. ultimately, our friendship ended on our sour note. he said he had another in the same breath he told me i was beautiful and wonderful. i got confused and really hurt.
that moment began the hatred of "she who shall not be named", mostly because i didn't know her name or anything about her. all i knew was that she was better than me.
my age showed in my immaturity about "her". the moment facebook alerted me that they were dating, i first grumbeled then went straight to her page. what does she look like? what makes her better than me?
all i could tell was that she had the same blue eyes and blonde hair that i did.
she took mischievous  pictures of herself behind artwork and plants, which never helped me decipher what she really looks like and kind of makes her sound freakin' weird. after that all i really knew was a name, which didn't help my grieving or creeping process.
let that one go.

32 year old (yes, 32 year old) teacher hipster, musician was far from my mind. essentially, i am  relieved that i didn't get into that mess. never saw him again.

flash forward to today:
i had my first day of work! we'll actually i was at my internship before then went to work. the sun was so beautiful today. i walked to work and walked around downtown after work with Paige, who long story short has a lot more in common with me than i thought. anyways, parched and up for catching up, we ventured into avenue bread. drooled over some pastries then upon deciding to purchase a treat each with our hibiscus lemonade.

then i met eyes with the mystery.
in front of me, his new girl.
taking my order?
my order use to be the dream of having her current boyfriend.
i wondered if he'd even mention me.
i handed her my credit card and wondered if she'd recognize my name.
she was taller. friendly, like most food service employees.
i wrote my name visable. one more chance to see if she'd realize who i was.
i so badly wanted to make awkward eye contact.
i was the other girl.
she was the other girl.
one of us had to get hurt.
i thanked her for my treat and looked at her one more time.
blonde blue and young.
ordinary.

i walked away, sat down, and couldn't wait to tell Paige the story.
but what story was there to tell?
i left no tip.