what worries you

life is temporary.

don't be in pain.

there is no reason to fret.

don't waste a day.

tell those you love the truth.

have no regrets.

live each day like the ones

you never want to forget.

if you're reading this, remember you are loved.
don't ask for better when better is beside you. 
    appreciate what you have while you have it.
    handle each lesson you are given.
    you are strong, you are capable, you are lucky.
    take nothing for granted.
    
   when all is said and done, how do you want your life to be talked about?

let's talk about men

I guess it begins with David. 


My dad was the best dad ever.
He took on the role like a champ. Two daughters can be a handful but two daughters who are intrigued by everything and involved in everything sounds impossible. My dad was in the stands at my basketball games correcting papers. We could find him setting up a tether ball pole, he made himself on the side of our house. He was the first to acknowledge and embrace my artsy side. I remember sitting at our piano when I was about 5 years old, and plunking out songs by ear-- I was enrolled in piano lessons shortly after. He was the first to help me run lines for the first plays I was in. I use to listen to him play guitar for hours. He'd let me strum while he played the chords. He helped me write. Young Authors Conferences that came annually meant quality father daughter time revising my stories like "David Meets the Moon" after dinner. My dad had time for me and took time for me, no questions asked he was there. 


While, the memories I have about my dad are many and detailed, our time together was short lived.


He's been gone for almost 10 years, which still breaks my heart everyday. While his presence is gone, so much of my live revolves around him.


So lets talk about men. 


Ever since my dad died, I have had to reteach myself how to interact with men. I don't have a dad to protect me from all the crazy boys who find their way to my door. I don't have a daily reminder of what its like to live with a man. I've been confused multiple times whether I shake hands or give hugs to men I see it stores. I know that I can do either but its the essence of wondering what my dad would have done. How do I approach a man? I think this has made me come off a lot more timid than I am.I am assertive when I need to be but is this how was suppose to be? How different would I be if my dad was still here teaching me how to interact with guys?


The last advice my dad ever gave me about boys was "Moll don't get a boyfriend. Let boys take you out to dinner, the movies, or get to know you.--be the cool girl everyone gets to know". If my dad would still be alive, I probably could have been more of that girl. After he died, having someone around consistently didn't sound bad, because I had lost male presence in my life. Naturally the first boy I dated after my dad died was a complete jerk who took advantage of me and when all I wanted was company, he wanted so much more. Glad I got one bad one out of the way because the rest have really challenged me, in a good way. Each boyfriend since the awful dreaded, "lessoned learned" jerk face has had great influence in my life. 


Still when dealing with boyfriends, I have this intuition that they will leave. I've worked on not letting this drive me crazy or drive people away but ultimately, I don't think anyone will understand where I am coming from. There is something about seeing red lights outside your house on a Thursday morning, hearing the news "Your dad isn't coming home" and thinking back to the promises he made. He said that he'd always be around, but he's not. There is something to be said about that pain and it will be with me forever. And its created a guard. I have to be wary about everyone I meet, because even the biggest promises are broken by the people you love most.


I remember screaming "Who's going to walk me down the aisle!!!" and my grandpa whimpering at my side, holding me tight and crying in my ear "I'll do it Moll, I'll do it." Now he's gone too. This past September, I lost the second most influential man in my life, Papa. I am lucky that  grandpa lived down the block from me my whole life. He was a lot like my dad but he had a rougher side to him. "I graduated last in my class" was what he constantly reminded us, as a joke. He was proud of me for taking pride in my education. In reality, Papa is the most educated man in my family. Being a garbage man for 30+ years, he's literally been around the block a few times. My Papa taught me about people, which I have found gets you a lot farther than you may think. He would ride his bike around town, waving at everyone knew, which was pretty much everyone. It was no shock that at his funeral the line to get in stretched around the block.  I miss him.


So I have this distorted view of men and the consistency in which they are in my life and the quality of the relationships I have with them. No one will ever be like my dad and  no one will ever be like my Papa. Special places in my heart have been left and filled by those two. I won't have another dad or another grandpa ever again. 


I do however have some great men in my life.

Each of them have their quirks. Pieces of them remind me of my dad. They all  have an attribute I want in a man.

Uncle Brian is a rocker. He's who I can go to jam out and write songs with. When the songs start to sound a little bit familiar, hes the first to ask me if everything is ok. He has a soft side. Never had a child of his own, he see's me as a daughter. He loves his sisters and still acts like the annoying baby brother to them. It's comfortable and familiar whenever Uncle Brian is around.


Uncle Elvisy, my god father and my dad's best friend, has small but important role in my life. He's not someone I know very well, or see often but he knows my dad best out of any of the men in my life. He had always sent me chocolate on Valentines Day, but since my dad died those packages mean so much more. Its just nice to know there is someone out there that makes a yearly gesture. I can count on an Elvis box filled with chocolate. He also attended all the most important events in my life so far (that's us at my HS graduation to the left). He came down for my plays in high school, which really meant a lot to me. Everyone knew he was there because he has a shrilling whistle that you can't miss. Uncle Elvisy supports me.


Bill. There is something about Bill that reminds me so clearly of my dad. He has the passion for life my dad had but he also has the deep breaths my dad had. Those same deep breaths represent the childhood my dad and Bill shared. They grew up with money but overtime both of them realized money can't buy happiness, in fact money can make you mad. I don't see Bill as a symbol of money and partly because I've known him since I was 5. I see him as a person instead of a name. With Bill, I have to listen closely and carefully to his words. A man of few words but he says so much. He constructs his words to the point. I appreciate Bill because he's a planner and he values quality. He likes to reminisce about the past, but when he does that I know its his way of saying how proud he is of the woman I've grown up to be.




Curtis. The brother I never had and the first to beat up anyone who does me wrong. Close enough in age to be friends to far enough away where the big brother comes out in him... often.  I value Curtis' character because he lives life. While he's not a planner but he's one of the biggest dreamers I know. He reminds me to never give up and its ok to ask for help.


Jim. Last but not least. Never would I have thought that Jim would make my list of surrogate fathers, but lo and behold, 9 years last I finally appreciate Jim. I don't want to go all in the trials and tribulations that surround my relationship with Jim (that's a whole different story), right now I just want to embrace that I overcame a lot to accept him in my life and I'm glad I did so. Jim is smart. Book smart. Technology smart. He hasn't done everything right in his life, but he strives to do good. I respect that. I took his consistency in my life for granted. I now realize how much time he put in, wanting to get to know me where I wouldn't give him the time of day. He believed in me when I didn't believe in him or even myself. Those are the best kind of people to keep in your life. I'm glad he's in my life.






I'm lucky to have these men in my life. 

pictures

 They say a picture speaks a thousand words and I can't disagree with that. A picture captures a moment in time and leaves with you a reminder of your past. Memories are so much more than just a moment captured on film. One picture may ignite feelings and other may ignite pain. Some pictures you can push away and never look at again. However, when it lands itself back in your hands, how will you feel? Would you want those moments back? Would you realize that the people in the pictures are the people you need now?   Pictures are reminders of what once was real and valid which however for most of the time, in present day is not.


That can be painful.

When they are your pictures, the ones you shot from your lens, you see everything around you not just what is being captured. This one to the left I remember driving all around town until we found the perfect spot to take a picture with the sunset, only to realize the sun was going down soon. Also I remember how badly my heels were killing be, and thinking to myself "Shoot, I have to wear these in a play?" I remember my friends and while most of us were coupled off, I remember our friendship with one another. There was an innocence that I remember, and when I look at this picture now, sometimes I wish I had that innocence back.



In this picture I remember it was our last night together as a class for Senior Sunset. While it looks like the three of us are just taking pictures in a parking lot, our whole class was watching on the left side of me. It smelt like cigarettes and swishers, because the boys in my class decided to celebrate the night before graduation. It was the last time all of us were together as kids. I remember thinking that I had to take a picture so I wouldn't forget. This picture didn't even capture what I felt that night. I have the rest in my head.        
                                                        So what if the picture that lands itself in your hands,  isn't your memory?  I remember looking through my moms old yearbooks and wishing I had been there. There was no possible way I could have been in high school in the 1970's let alone with my mother, but they always looked like they were having so much fun. The traditions were so different and by different I mean better than the ones I remembered having in high school. Cause isn't that really how it goes? If you're not apart of that moment, you automatically think that was the best moment in someones life and if you weren't there in that special moment, then you are somehow less special to that person? Train your mind to say no, no, no. My mom's high school experience couldn't have been mine and mine couldn't have been hers. I bet there are pieces of my high school experience that my mom wishes she could have had too. We are so silly wanting to be in places where we couldn't have been because most of the time there are people who want to be right where we are now. If you hadn't met someone yet, you're not living your life with them in mind. You're living in your moment and eventually all your moments would lead you to new found friendships. And in those new found friendships, you talk about your past.


The past is tricky. You can't deny it was there but you also can't live in that place. Life is made in forward motion. So what do you do with the pictures?                                             

You appreciate. You remember. You keep going.         

 

Appreciate that the past exists. Dang right, I've lived a good life! I hope the people I meet have lived a good life too. Maybe I'm not in their memories for now, but you bet I am going to be in the future. 

Life is precious. 

Be in every moment.

quality

My best conversations happen after the clock strikes 12. There is something about being in the dark that brings out vulnerabilities, insecurities and thoughts that in the daylight are too "dangerous". My mind devotes this time to dreaming, even before my sleeping dreams occur. What do I want to do with my life? Who will remain consistently by my side? Will I get the cottage I've always dreamed of? Will I find a partner that will support me through my dreams? Will I have a girl will long blonde hair that calls me mom? Will I make it to my destinations?


Lately I've when these thoughts start bubbling around in the evening, I've had my boyfriend by my side. I look at him in the dark and sometimes our eyes meet. We don't have to say anything but I know he'll always be there for me. My night time questions now somewhat revolve around him. Will  he find a place in my life? If his place is temporary can I deal with him not being around?


Right now my answer is absolutely not. I can't even grasp what we have in my hands yet because its so big yet so fragile, I'm afraid to hold to too close. Last night, he brought up that most of his relationships have been short, 4-5 months, and he expressed that he gets fidgety after those months.My mind went straight to heartbreak. "Great, I found someone who has our relationship tipped over, on an hour class, my time is running out." 


Internal freak out.


The silence in the dark is good too. While he immediately choked on his words and apologized for not formulating them in a way that "sounded right" or made sense, I thought about him. I thought of the past year of being his friend, and the last few months of our budding romance and selfishly I wanted to hold him forever. I wasn't ready to think about our potential last 3-4 months together because is green/grey/blue eyes are my comfort and his arms around me at night make me feel safe. And above it all is this notion that what we have is real and true, and would his anticipation in the months ahead disregard what we have for one another?


My drive home this morning, I thought of quality v. quantity. I would rather be loved undeniably for a short time then spent an long amount of time with someone who doesn't feel anything towards me. I think of these words.

From Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27, 1850:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

If these months ahead bring us joy or sorrow, I will cherish it. Wearing your heart on your sleeve means taking a huge chance and I am aware of the consequences. I'm willing to risk the pain for the chance to have just have him in my life for one more day. The relationship we have created brings forth a quality in which I have never felt before. We genuinely care for each other.  Initially, him telling me that his relationships are short lived and long term relationships freak him out, made me hurt it. However thinking more about it, he was just being honest, even if he didn't get the words out the way he wanted them too, he was sharing what he was thinking about. As a friend or a lover, what other trait is more important than honesty?

While the future is blurred for now I'll keep what I know far away from the fear of loosing him.
I know he makes me smile.
I know he says what he means and means what he says.
I know he's scared too.
I know what his smile looks like when he is really happy.
I know that familiar tune he hums.
I know that in this moment, I'd be willing to do anything to make him happy.
I know he would do anything to make me happy. Both of which mostly consist of playing guitar, dates at bookstores and coffee.
I know he is the one for me.
Right now, he is the one I couldn't afford to loose in my life.
While nothing is promised forever, in this moment, he is my partner, and what I will learn from him will stay apart of me for the rest of my life.